So now only the people who care about me can yell at me for my decisions.

Last night at work sucked. Time ran so incredibly slow, I think perspective wise it was like two hours behind. A lot of ass clowns came in, and I do mean a lot. Seemed like the night for them. My other Asst Manager Buddy refused some people that decided to put up a big stink about it. What is really fucked up is they were friends of my monkey Brian. I allowed him to hook them up with a 10% discount, only to have them come back drunk and belligerent. So that sucked as well. The whole night I had a feeling something weird or odd or...wonderful, was going to happen. But I went home with only the above mentioned situations and was content that life was just as it had been for sometime, nothing special. When I got near home James and I went to the store for a few things. While checking out the really cute cashier Sabrina was chatting with me and asking if I had found a new lady friend yet. I told her no of course and asked how things with her and her boyfriend were going. (They had been having issues based on the fact that he had been lying to her for a year!) She said he was a liar and she does not date liars. So I asked her out again, and she said yes. I got her number and we are going to make plans to get together soon. It is amazing how little situations like that can make your entire night better. Hell it's been the only good thing to happen to me in sometime. So I guess I shall see what happens, but at least this little situation has things looking up. 'Till later Lovelies

So yeah, it's my birthday. I am now 28 years old. This birthday seems very anticlimactic. I can't help but be depressed. I won't even get into the reasons, mostly because I do not want to hear how things will get better or what I should do about it. Saturday I had a party, most of the people I invited didn't show up. I know what I want for my birthday, but no one can give it to me so whatever. Fuck all.

That is amazing that is all I can say.

It is high time that a long forgotten day of celebration be remembered. A day of merriment and frolicking. You can celebrate any way you wish, but the important thing is attitude. Smile, laugh, spread it to whom ever you meet. HAPPY TUESDAY!!!! Remember it only comes once a week.

So how many times can opportunity fall into my lap before I stop being a wuss and do something about it? Apparently I haven't reached that point yet. I want to but little voices keep holding me back. It's not easy when you hear such things as; I am apparently unattractive but good in bed, so says one ex from what I hear. As many know I am bad place, have been for sometime now. I am just, not ok. It steams from so many different places that I can't even tell you where it all began. I want to scream, I want to yell and tell everyone to fuck off. I want to give up. Give up and do what I am not exactly sure. I keep hoping that each day will bring some opportunity, something that, will actually be good. When it does come though, I will probably wait too long and said opportunity will pass by, leaving me just where I am. On the edge of sanity, looking into the abyss.

and I am not sure why. It was not a bad day by any standard. We worked our asses off on Saturday so the store looked amazing, my boss even said so. I had a lazy relaxing weekend. Still for some reason I was hating the world today. The feeling set down on me late this morning, maybe like ten. My customers were annoying but it was little things I would normally shrug off. I was just in a foul mood all day. I can't really explain it much better then that. I am hiding in my apartment tonight and hoping tomorrow will be better.

I already know what I think, but I am interested in seeing what everyone else thinks.

Poll #1059764
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 8

Do you think I will be a capable father?

FUCK YOU!! The Universe needs to back the hell off! I am a little tired of being a punching bag. Now I am sick and my boss calls me up to yell at me. Need a new life! Anyone wanna trade?

Edit: So I may be losing my job, or at least my position. Given my current situation I can't really afford the pay cut. So yeah I do believe it is someone else's turn to get shat on. Fuck the universe, fuck karma, fuck all the powers that be, I am done!

Erynn informed me tonight that we are not getting back together. We are going to do the parenting thing together, she wants me there for the appointments, the classes and what not. It hurts because I still love her, it hurts because I am not ready for it to be over. Who knows what the future holds, but at least I still will be a dad. I would fight for her, if I thought it would make a difference. I am hopeful that just maybe in time she may change her mind, but I am not going to hold my breath, I will just put all my energy into my kid, that is all that matters now.

Taken from several people:
1. Go to http://www.careercruising.com/.
2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark.
3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions.
4. Post the top 10 results (or however many results you want).

(You can also get a more specific result by taking an EXTRA quiz after the short quiz by clicking the "answer more questions to improve my results" link. It's fun!)

1. Anthropologist
2. Professor
3. Historian
4. Foreign Language Instructor
5. ESL Teacher
6. Corporate Trainer
7. Computer Trainer
8. Curator
9. Activist
10. Writer

What?? Really? I could have sworn over worked liquor store manager would be in there.

So Erynn is now 16 weeks along. Apparently the baby is now the size of an avocado. I have an avocado! Friday is the next doctor’s appointment; I believe she will have the first ultra sound and if I am not mistaken we will find out the sex of the baby. I am so excited! I am really hoping for a little girl so keep your fingers crossed.

For sometime now I have been posting about the situation with Erynn and I. Mostly I have just been commenting or bitching about little situations as the come up. I have yet to give the whole story. So here it goes and my apologizes if I miss any details; Let us travel back a few months ago, Erynn and I began to have problems because of a few things. One was that I chose my best friend James over her when they were both having issues. Erynn was in trouble of losing her job, James in trouble of losing his girlfriend. That was my first mistake. We also were having issues because Erynn thought I wasn't going anywhere in life, that I had stagnated and was content to remain a little boy living in someone else's basement. I bungled that situation with fantastic stupidity. Hence we went on a break, my job during the break was to get my shit together, Erynn's job was to work on communication and her own shit. Then the pregnancy happened. Now one of Erynn's complaints was she wasn't sure I was mature enough to handle a family and now we were faced with the very real situation she felt I wasn't up for. Despite my best efforts, I bungled this one too. Here is the problem, Erynn is very blunt, she doesn't sugar coat things, doesn't let you down easy. When we would talk, she was upset and would say things as she felt them, for my part I would run away with my tail between my legs. When the break was over I asked her to come out to eat with me, sure that all the things I had done in the month would be enough, stupid man. Somewhere in the conversation I broke things off completely, quite without meaning to. I do not even remember the words I said, I am fairly certain it was another fantastic bungle on my part. Not realizing what I did, I tore Erynn apart. Now she was pregnant and the father just dumped her. We didn't talk for two weeks. Again every time we did talk, I would profess my love for her, try and convince her to let me be apart of the pregnancy and her life. She, let down by me on several occasions wanted nothing to do with that, but didn't really tell me why. This has continued for sometime, I keep running away, she keeps most of her reasons to herself. It has been a extremely hard time for the both of us, leaving neither of us in a good mental state. I have made my mistakes, and I cannot apologize enough for them. She has kept things bottled up, but now she is finally talking. It will still be a long hard road back to where we were, I have hope that we will get there. I finally realize the asshole I was being, I have finally told her the things she was putting me through. For now, I am by her side through this pregnancy, I am by her side 100% for her and the child. As for us, it is looking up, time will tell how it turns out. I love her still, sometimes more then I can tell her. For instance, I spent Wednesday night and all of Thursday at her place hanging out with her. We went to dinner, we watched videos and TV. It was best time I have had for a while, and the only reason was because I was with her. So there you are I know I have probably still missed some things but at least you know the whole story. I am not without my flaws, I did an amazing jump fucking things up. I think though, that I finally have my head out of my ass, that I may just be able to get this together. It will not be easy, and I may stumble still, but hopefully not as bad as before, and hopefully I will have Erynn there to help me up, or kick me in the ass as needs be.

No this is not a joke, and yes I know suicide is a cowardly way out. I know I will be missed and I know that even this note may anger some people. Am I serious? Not really, I have never even been close to an actual attempt. I mostly just have suicidal thoughts and that is it. I am tired. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally tired. I just want to…stop. Stop hurting, stop worrying, stop crying, stop being angry, stop feeling, just full stop. I am flawed. It is like I was broken from birth. I lack something, something that would make me normal, something that allows others to be happy and to fit in. I do not feel I fit in anywhere. No matter who I am with, or where I am, I feel like I am an outcast. It is so hard to collect my thoughts enough to capture them on paper but, I just know I am broken. I do not work right; I cannot seem to get it together. I just want to lie down and not get up. I need a very long vacation or something. Do not worry too much. Obviously if I am writing this I have not done anything yet. More obvious since I am writing this I want people to know. I do not even think I am capable of suicide, too afraid. Know that if you read this I loved you. There are different scopes of love and I was lucky to have experienced them all. There of course lies my greatest flaw. I can love, but I suck at it. I crave it still more then all the riches of the world, but I have no idea how to maintain or even enjoy it. I so want to give up, but one type of love I have never had is within my grasp. I am deathly afraid that my afore mentioned suckage may bar me from experiencing it though. It may be best that I end this here, I love you all, some more then you may ever know. Do not worry; I am too flawed to even carry this out. I will remain as I am, the broken dreamer.

I am not sure why, but I am going to a dark place in my head. Over the last couple of days my thoughts have grown increasingly disturbing. I can't shut it off, I can't make it stop. More to come...

I want to buy these! Maybe its just that I am a big dork, or I have a warped sense of humor, but yes I want to my kid in these clothes.

http://www.sassyonesies.com/i-cant-read-onesie.html
http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/kids/59cc/

Kill, Maim, Destroy...OOo Brownie!

Why? Honestly Why?? I am just a register jocking manager. I have been at the liquor store a year and a half. I don't care that you have been coming here for thirty years. I don't care that you knew my boss' dad. I really don't care that you think that intitles you to special treatment. My boss and his dad gave many people discounts for a reason. If you didn't get one I am sure there is also a reason. Die away from me, you are not special.

Last night, I had the most awesome date with Erynn. We went to dinner and then later to see Ratatouille. We laughed and talked and really had a great time. I was great, just a good time no expectations, no agendas. I will admit that I really wanted some physical intimcy, I wanted to hold her hand as we walked around or while we sat watching the movie. Really though I am just glad we are talking, and that we can hang out, laugh and enjoy each other's company. I would still love to be back with her, a fact that she is aware of, but it is just good that we can get along. I want to be a father to my baby, there is nothing more important to me, and it will be incredibly easier if Erynn and I are on good terms. I don't know, no expectations, just taking it as it comes, enjoying it as it is.